Late-night hosts have returned to television for the first time in over five months after going off the air for the writers strike.
More than five months after the writers strike began, late-night television hosts have made their return to the stage to discuss all the news and culture they’ve missed out on reporting on.
“Oh it feels good to be back,” said Stephen Colbert after making his return to his Late Show on Monday. “Now the writers strike is over with a new contract that includes protections for AI, cost of living increases, better pay for streaming,” he stated.
“Plus, thanks to the picket lines, my writers got fresh air and sunshine, and they do not care for that. Now they’re back safely in their joke holes, doing what they do best: making my prompter word screen full of good and haha.” Colbert discussed as much news as possible, from the coronation of King Charles, to three indictments of former president Donald Trump, to pop culture news like Taylor Swift and Kansas City Chiefs Travis Kelce’s budding romance:
“This is all great publicity for the NFL. Mere rumors that Tay-Tay might be at last night’s game-game sent ticket prices surging more than 40%. It used to be that you couldn’t afford to watch Taylor Swift. Now you can’t afford to watch Taylor Swift watch something. Her maybe-boyfriend’s jersey saw a 400% spike in sales,” and the jean shorts she was wearing are now sold out everywhere.
“Everything [Swift] touches is instantly revitalized. Taylor, if this relationship doesn’t work out, is there any way you can start dating one of our nation’s crumbling bridges?”
“We’ve been gone so long the Bachelor is now a grandfather,” said host Jimmy Kimmel during his first show back. Kimmel then discussed the 91 felony counts Trump is currently facing: “It’s like all of Melania’s birthday wishes came true at once.
The one that really got me was when they booked Trump in Georgia and he self-reported his weight at 215lbs. I almost crossed the picket line for that. If he’s 215lbs, that means he’s 30lbs lighter than his last physical when he was president. He was 245lbs, which means he’s either lying or the colonel is now frying his chicken in Ozempic,” he joked.
He also discussed the new writers contract as “a big win for the little guy and a big win for the chubby guy and the hairy dude and the weird girl who doesn’t make eye contact, and the for the two potheads in the Star Wars T-shirts that are too small for their bodies and the guy who’s too old to have a ponytail and the lady whose cats each have their own Instagram pages. We call them writers, and they are all back to work.”
“We hope that the actors and the auto workers and the healthcare workers all get the contracts they deserve, too.”
“I never take this show for granted, but being away from it for as long as I’ve been away from it, really hits home how much I love having this as my workplace,” Late Night host Seth Meyers stated as he thanked his staff.
“I have a great relationship with the people who run this place, and even though we were on opposite sides during the strike, I want to thank them. They made some very compassionate choices about the people who work at this show and at this network, and it did not go unnoticed. They have my gratitude for that,” he said.
Like his fellow hosts, Meyers then went through the recent news from the past few months, especially the trials surrounding Trump:
“This ruling undercuts his entire mythology. Everything about him is a lie,” he said. “Not only were his businesses and net worth inflated, but he even pretended that his own apartment was three times bigger than it actually was. Next we’re going to find out that he and Melania are just friends. I’m kidding – friends like each other.
And yet somehow, this fraud trial could end up being the least of Trump’s concerns,” as he has four upcoming criminal trials, three of which have trial dates scheduled. “The faraway frontrunner for the GOP nomination is facing four indictments and a civil fraud case against his entire business. But fair is fair, and I do want to give the Republican party credit,” he stated.
“I’m happy to report that in the five months since we were last on the air, the GOP has undergone a radical transformation into a serious, sober-minded collection of diligent professionals capable of competently administering the basic functions of government. I’m just kidding – it’s still an ass-over-tea-kettle clusterf*ck.”
Eric Mastrota is a Contributing Editor at The National Digest based in New York. A graduate of SUNY New Paltz, he reports on world news, culture, and lifestyle. You can reach him at email@example.com.